A couple weeks ago, a friend called me to see how I was doing. He knows about my skin issue, but he didn’t know about my autoimmune disorder. Our conversation went a little something like this:
Me: My body can’t fight off infections.
Friend: WHAT? That’s messed up. Doesn’t that mean it can affect your organs too?
Me: Yeah..I have to be really careful.
Friend: OMG. That’s so scary. Aren’t you scared? Poor you. I never knew you were suffering so much.
Me: Yeah.. it’s very tough for me. I just want to be healthy. I never realized how lucky I was before.
Friend: Do you ever think that you might die?
Me: Uh..I try not to. I hope not! I don’t want to die yet. But I do think about death sometimes. I do get scared…
Friend: Man, I hope you get better soon.
Me: Me too.
We all know that we will die one day. But most of us avoid thinking about death. Perhaps it’s because dying is scary. When I think about dying, I feel really sad. I don’t want to die until I’ve lived a long and meaningful life. There are still a lot of things I want to do and achieve before leaving this world. Sometimes, I ask myself why I am so afraid to die. I think I’m afraid because I don’t want to leave my loved ones behind. I don’t know what is going to happen after death, so the fear of the unknown is a factor as well (By the way, just in case you’re wondering, I’m not dying..) Most people probably avoid thinking about it, but not thinking about it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. When it does happen though, I hope it won’t be too painful. It really sucks to be in pain.
Most of us don’t realize what we have until we lose it. It’s sad, really. It is only after I am suffering do I see things in a different light. Nowadays, I envy those who can walk around freely without pain. I envy those who can wear tank tops and skirts. I envy those who do not have to go through infections and the itchiness I have to endure each day. I never realized how lucky I was before. Close your eyes and imagine right now: How different would your life be if you were to lose your sight? Your hearing? Your speech? Your ability to move? Life would be really different, wouldn’t it? But we don’t think about this. Instead, we complain about life or the problems we have to deal with each day.
I remember awhile back, I watched a video from bubzbeauty. She said one line that really stuck to my mind: “Not everyone is blessed with time.” It’s so true. Honestly, if you are alive and healthy, you’re already really lucky. You have the chance and the option to do what you want. Be grateful for what you have.
Aside from emotional stress, sickness also brings financial stress. Currently, I am on medical leave and I’m unable to work. As a result, I have no income. Seeing the doctor is also very expensive. I feel very bad that I am causing my family financial strain. This is one of the reasons why I value insurance so much. Some of you may not know, but there is something called CI (Critical Illness) insurance. If you suffer from one of the CI illnesses and you survive the first 30 days after your diagnose, you are given a lump sum payment (the coverage is determined when you first purchase the insurance) while you’re alive and you can spend the money in any way you like. Now, obviously I do not want to suffer from a critical illness. But IF something were to happen, at least I know that my family will not have to worry financially. I can take time off work to heal without worrying about my survival. People might say, “Pssh, that will probably never happen to me. I don’t want to waste my money.” Well, I just want to say, unforeseeable things do happen. I’m an example of it. I may not have a critical illness, but I am suffering a lot and it definitely never occurred to me that it would happen to me either.
There are risks that can never be avoided. However, they can be minimized. One of the reasons why I want to be a financial advisor is because I want to help my friends/family/clients minimize their risks. I sell insurance not because I want to scam you, but because I want to protect you. I want to live a life knowing that my advice/presence changed someone’s life for the better.
Anyhow, that’s all for now. I am slowly getting better (And when I say slowly, I mean…SLOWLY). Hopefully I will be able to go out soon. I’m sorry for those who have been waiting for my responses through calls/msgs. I haven’t been in the greatest mood, so I may not have replied. Please give me some time. I will eventually get back to you. Thank you.
10 thoughts on “The Dreaded “D” Word”
Sometimes, thinking of dying prevents you from living your life, always worrying, always being wary about when it’ll happen. Grace, no matter how you feel, or how you are, just live happily.
I will try my best, Jennifer. ❤ . Thank you.
Hi Grace. Sorry for taking so long to read your posts. Thank you for taking the time and energy to write this post. I know you are in a lot of pain and it took a lot for you to write this. I appreciate you and I hope that anyone reading this also does too.
Your topic of death is interesting and I think a lot of people agree with you. We all fear death because we don’t know where we’re going to go afterwards. In the past, I’ve been a little fearful of it too, but over time I’ve taken the stance that if it’s my time to go, then I will gladly go. It’s not something that I’ve shared with a lot of people, but I really do believe that this life is not in our on hands. There are bigger and wiser forces at work that determine when we live and die. Anyway, this sounds really morbid but I just wanted to share my thoughts. I can’t wait until you get better and can come out again! ❤
It’s okay! Thanks for reading my posts, Karen!! Haha, I started this blog because of you…so in a way, you’re helping me express myself!
I am going through a really difficult time in my life right now. I apologize if I ever sound angry/moody/discouraging/or negative. I tend to avoid communication whenever I’m upset/emo. As a result, I may not be responsive at times. Thank you for understanding and being so patient with me. I really hope to get well soon so I can live a normal life (and see you of course!). ❤
I'm not really sure if there is a higher power, but I know that I want to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to do things that I do not enjoy for the sake of others. I want to do meaningful things and inspire others to do the same as well. I hope we will both live a long and meaningful life.
Haha you are just a crazy lady. I think if anyone knew you, they would know that obviously you would not be the type to sell people something you did not believe in. Honestly, thank you for taking the time and effort to come see me, despite how painful it is for you. I am truly glad that you are healing.. even if it is slowly, at least you are 🙂
Keep your chin up, as I always tell myself one of the hardest thing is to be positive when one is suffering. Don’t be envious of others, at the end of life, we all go whether we are rich or poor. You will live a long prosperous life, with a handsome, caring husband and have 20 kids ! 😉
Just know, that whether it be that we do not talk for 10,20,30,40,50 years. If you ever came to me for anything, whether it be a shoulder to cry on (hopefully not!), a ear to lend or anything that I can do to help you. I would 😀 ! You are a awesome person inside and out, and its truly rare to find anyone so genuine these days. Stay true to yourself ❤
Aww, I’m glad we met up. It’s okay. Some people are worth my time and I wasn’t in too much pain. It varies from day to day.
LOL I don’t think I want 20 kids. Haha. I’m not even sure if I want one. And likewise, even if we don’t talk for a long time, u can always turn to me if you need anything. ❤
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for reading!